Instead of saying, “We’re going to do this thing, wherever it is,” I’m asking, “What beautiful opportunities exist for us right here?”
I’ve been driving a lot lately, and I hate it. The stress-tension has been building in my neck and shoulders, and I feel constantly uncomfortable behind the wheel. I’m taking Ibuprofen and drinking extra coffee to cope with the neck pain and exhaustion from commuting in heavy afternoon traffic. I’m asking myself: “why am I doing this?”
Extracurricular activities are starting to become more prominent in the older of my five kids’ lives. I’m trying to make up for the pause in activities during Covid because I’m eager for my kids to have a rich variety of experiences and opportunities. I feel a heavy parental burden: my kids will only get to do the things I present for them to do. And if I don’t “start them early,” some doors will close to them forever. I already have a tendency to feel guilty about all of the things we haven’t done.
However, a full extracurricular load is exhausting for all of us — especially when it requires driving. In fact, I think driving is the primary factor for my exhaustion and unhappiness. Driving is isolating and tense, hours of monotony in a metal box surrounded by a sea of asphalt and long lines of other noisy, stinky, motor vehicles. I have to drag younger kids and babies along, keeping them strapped into car seats for hours upon hours of weekly car commutes. We all arrive home at dinner time, hungry, grumpy, and worn out. What kind of a life is that?
Driving is the expected parental responsibility. For many kid activities, it’s an inescapable requirement. Does that mean we should put our heads down and do it? We live in a car-centric society with heavy driving demands and expectations, and it can be hard to say no, to opt out, to live differently — especially when that means doing less.
But I don’t know if I can sustain a life of daily driving to afternoon activities in peak traffic for the next decade. I know I don’t want to. So I’m setting a new resolution to bring all of our weekly activities into biking and public transit range.
This is a difficult and sometimes painful goal to strive for, and I’ve already had to turn down some activities or make the switch to a closer option. For instance, I complained to our local recreational soccer organization that they offer players “friend requests” and “coach requests,” but no option for families to make location requests so that a child can be assigned to a practice field based on the bike/ped/transit accessibility.
So I canceled our registration, and we discovered a local group of families that play soccer together twice a week, just for fun, at a nearby church field. It’s free, we can bike, and our whole family can participate together. It’s ideal, but it was a difficult switch for me to make. I played Division I collegiate soccer, spending my youth in very formal, competitive team sports with daily practices and personal training sessions at far-flung fields and gyms, with travel competitions on the weekends that often involved lengthy road trips and hotel stays. Now, here I am, ending my son’s collegiate soccer career at age 9.
As it turns out, though, my sons loved playing in the church family soccer “league” — it turned out to be their favorite activity. I think our entire family life would be better if we made more such changes, bringing all of our outside activities within biking range from home, or simply saying no and finding something else. Maybe we won’t get to pursue some activities, but we can find happy sports and leisure pursuits in our own locale. And getting to bike or walk, or have children transport themselves independently, will give all of us a true breather.
Still, I’m constantly tempted. I’m fighting for my husband and my vision of what we want our family life to look like, and making that vision a reality requires sacrifices and hard choices. I’m not ready to quit everything and go carfree, but I’m definitely trying to move us that direction.
For now though, I’m focused on the activities I add and very deliberately trying to only add the ones that we don’t have to drive to. Instead of saying “We’re going to do this thing, wherever it is,” I’m asking, “What beautiful opportunities exist for us right here?”
Which brings me to my advice to families just beginning their extracurricular activities: Consider mobility when building your family life! Ask yourselves: what do you want your family life to look like in 10 years? Do you want to be driving around for hours after school? How will your mode of transportation affect you and your kids and your community, and how does it align with your values and priorities? Can you begin by choosing activities within biking distance from the very first toddler ballet class?
If you can, consider it now, while they’re young: is the traveling soccer team experience the family life you want? Or do you want something else? If so, you might have to have some guts to make the hard choices to follow it through.
This is a struggle that resonates a lot with me. Previously a bike or transit commuter and a recreational cyclist, I found myself driving a lot more once I had a child. And I hated/hate it.
However, I want to push back gently in one regard, namely on the framing of this issue as one to be solved through individual mobility choices. I think it’s important to connect the dots between the need for broader societal changes. Parents’ decision to drive are frequently the result of a lack of family-friendly policies that would enable everyone in the community to live richer and car-free/car-light lives. And I’m not just talking about urban planning measures but broader social reforms.
As a point of comparison, I’ve spent about 5 years living in Europe (in Scandinavia but also in lower-income Eastern European countries). In general, families, including the many who were carless, had many more options available not only because of higher urban densities, national policies supporting families. For example, within just a 5-minute walk of one apartment I lived in in Eastern Europe (and not in a wealthy neighborhood), there was an elementary school, two preschools, a small grocery store (that contained a pharmacy), a playground, a dog park, a library, a few cafes and restaurants, and a bus stop for a frequent service line (and children routinely rode city buses by themselves from age 7 onwards). Social policies that support families: national healthcare, paid parental leave for 1 year (or more!); the presence of neighborhood medical clinics, subsidized childcare, subsidized public transit, etc. (Also there were the ‘sticks’- expensive gasoline, extensive paid parking zone, and the cost to get a driving license was roughly the cost of an average monthly salary).
By comparison, I find that even when living in a relatively walkable/bikeable/transit-rich neighborhood in Portland, my decision to drive as a parent has been shaped by myriad factors that at first glance seem only peripherally related to urban form: what neighborhoods I could afford to live in (and tax policies that incentivize home ownership); lack of “third spaces” or insufficient funding for those third spaces in the public sector (parks, community centers, libraries); private health insurance governing where we could get care; the location of affordable (or even available!) childcare; the need to retain my employment as a new parent (because of the need for health insurance, and the lack of any paid parental leave) and insufficient vacation and sick time, Portland Public Schools’ lack of support for the neighborhood school model (I have personal experience with this) resulting in more cars on the road, and TriMet’s family-unfriendly policies (requiring parents to fold strollers upon boarding; not sure if this has changed) making transit a challenge for parents to navigate. And most recently we have employers forcing employees who work remotely to return to the office (when they can effectively WFH).
Individual solutions will come in various shapes. In my case, I chose to limit my carbon footprint by having only 1 child. I will drive my child to some activities (within limits- no traveling sports), in part because I can’t afford to live in neighborhoods where many of the amenities are available, and also to participate in activities with my small cultural community (which is scattered across the region). But I am also have been teaching my child from a very early age to ride transit, cycle in traffic, and to navigate his neighborhood on foot, and we try to support local activities. However, beyond looking for changes in individual choices, I’d like to see us also continue make explicit the connections between the US social policies and how these policies (or lack thereof) ultimately impact and constrain individual choice.
I love this reframe, Zoe, and would love to push us even further: it’s not just the built environment and amenities nearby but also our cultural framing that could use a refresh. It’s more parents choosing to play soccer in a local park with other families on a pick-up basis, or even just letting their kids have the freedom to wander to the park themselves and plan their own activities, rather than signing up for competitive soccer programs. In some (mostly privileged) circles now, it’s lonely to say no to the organized, competitive activities that are expensive and require chauffeuring because all the other kids are over-scheduled and can’t meet up for casual activities. And there’s a fear of falling behind, that your kid will miss out on a crucial activity that could get them into college or even just never be able to get back into an activity if they step off the treadmill.
While we’re wishing for broad social changes, I’ll also put on the list more flexible work policies and schedules. I just read this article about after-school care and absolutely nowhere in it did it mention the idea of changing the work week or offering more part-time schedules (with full pay and benefits) so that parents (and others) can have time with their kids and communities. https://www.vox.com/the-highlight/23557282/afterschool-education-childcare-expanded-learning Nope, better not threaten the ability of workers to work more hours for corporate profits!!
Comment of the week ^^^.
This is a HUGE factor in restricting our parental travel radius. I moved to Portland from a place where public schools have been neglected for decades and private schools dominate the educational landscape (Honolulu). Kids go to schools far outside their neighborhood, which then leads to parents driving all over. Plus they make friends and play sports or are in plays on far flung parts of the island from where you live. And this is “just how it is”. It was boggling to me when we moved to Portland how much more free time was added and logistical stress was removed when my kids’ activities AND friends were mostly within 5 miles of our house. I’m sorry to hear that may be slipping — the schools play an often overlooked part in parents’ transportation lifestyle.
Really insightful look in to the philosophy of transportation options/decisions! Love the thought experiment
Wow! Brings back memories of my childhood in a large household. We eventually found our way on bikes, to the swimming pool, baseball practice, paper routes and friends houses. Different now. When I was car free, saying no was a hard thing, but necessary to maintain the lifestyle. Driving in traffic is soooo stressful!
Adapt and move forward.
Thanks for doing the column. On all advocacy work I take into consideration the 8-80 rule. Good to hear comment from parents.
My parents used to take me and my brother and sister to lots of activities. Now this looks so foreign to me. At some point we ALL need to realize that no one OWES us anything, that the numerous and admittingly fun things we can own and do are the privileges of people living in wealthy countries, privileges that might very likely come at the expense of the survival of the human race. Your kids and definitely their kids would still like to have breathable air and drinkable water, so that should be priority number one for all families, mitigation of climate change.
Thank you. I admit I fall into the decadent expectations of our wealthy society, and my “struggles” are incredibly privileged. Taking a much larger worldview is deeply humbling and jarring. Even in my own neighborhood, while I fret over art lessons, I have neighbors desperate to pay their bills. I don’t always know how to apply that knowledge in my daily life, knowledge which many of us shove down or ignore completely. But we cannot plead ignorance of poverty, suffering, and injustice. I don’t have a good enough response. But I thank you. And in that respect, I think you hit on something important: raising my children to be aware of all their fellow humans around the world (near and far), and generations yet to come, and our responsibility to treat others as we would want to be treated if our positions were reversed, to care about the suffering of others and sacrifice of ourselves to relieve it, rather than pursuing our own comfort and pleasure….yes, that really puts the conversation about extracurricular activities in a different light, along with the most important lessons I must share with my kids.
As someone who grew up in a bike transportation oriented household and swam in college, I’ll lend some advice that may or may not be useful. For reference, I’m from Madison, WI a great city for both biking and recreational swimming (it boasts the largest outdoor swim meet in the country!) I certainly “picked” a good place to both have a swim career, and be a bike guy. Unlike a lot of my peers in college (Ohio State), I didn’t follow the traditional “all in on swimming” approach, which for some kids starts when they are as young as 6 or 7. I didn’t swim club (winters only) until I was 10, and didn’t swim year round until I was in college. When I did travel for meets, my parents found a way to keep costs down (my dad would officiate meets and get gas costs comped), and travel was rarely outside the Madison area. I recall a lot of carpooling as well.
I think parents face a lot of stress and pressure to put their kids into just one sport, as early as possible – but I think this is misguided. Most of the folks I knew in high school who ended up pursuing sports in college played multiple sports at least until the start of high school – and were probably better athletes for it. Early specialization most often leads to burnout and injury – even in the “child prodigy” types.
I guess what I’m ramping up to here is that your son may still have the opportunity to pursue soccer competitively without the onerous travel/slog of the professionalized youth sports culture. Or he may wind up in a different sport, or none at all, and this is all fine! Some of this might be dictated by your transportation options – I know it was to some extent for me. But ultimately, that was good for me in my long-term athletic career. If my parents would have pushed me into year round swimming in pursuit of a college scholarship, I would have resented them and swimming. Having the agency to choose my own path in sport made a huge difference in my life.
Just some food for thought.
Thank you for this rallying cry for a more beautiful, local, connected kind of childhood and family life! The transportation piece is certainly important, but it also dovetails for me with a broader general philosophy about how I want to live. I have to believe that our kids will be whole, beautiful people with a steady diet of engaged activities that don’t overly deplete their parents, siblings, the environment, or come at the expense of kids who can’t participate.
Kids sports are whackadoo right now!! I enjoyed this author interview about the sprawling industry: https://annehelen.substack.com/p/are-kids-sports-reformable?utm_source=%2Fsearch%2Fsport&utm_medium=reader2 I remember driving my stepson to a basketball tournament in Wilsonville (from SE Portland) 10 years ago and thinking, this is insane that there isn’t a group of kids interested to throw a ball into a net any closer to home. What are we teaching children about what activities matter, how they should organize themselves–or have things organized for them. At the same time, he didn’t make the high school team and dropped out by his junior because the coach wouldn’t choose anyone who wasn’t playing in the leagues outside the school season, so there can be some real loss. Similarly, I swam in high school year-round: really there are only so many indoor pools in Portland and the only way to swim is to get to one of those pools consistently–can’t do that in your backyard! Trying to sort out what is and isn’t a worthwhile investment of your family’s time is a valiant effort in this competitive culture. The more of us pushing for smaller scale, local, low-investment activities and ways of living generally, the better! Let us be the reform.
As a car-free mother I can’t say enough good things about our e-bike. I get a lot of use out of it, from trips to New Seasons to our child’s Montessori School. It especially comes in handy when hubby has one of our Teslas in Salem for the weekend. As it turns our fossil fuels aren’t that necessary for our survival; there’s plenty of lithium to go around and that will never change.
Sorry, Jayne, but lithium isn’t powering your Teslas: right now about 35% of your Tesla’s power comes from coal (PGE buys coal-fired power from Idaho), and another 35-40% comes from natural gas. Only a tiny fraction of your electricity comes from renewable sources. All you’re doing is shifting the fossil fuels around – you’re not actually reducing fossil-fuel use, and in fact the further away you get from a generation source, the less efficient it is. You’d do better to run your car on CNG (compressed natural gas), which would put about 90% of the energy to moving your car, unlike the 40-50% of the gas’s energy that currently goes toward making the electricity for your Teslas and your e-bike.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. It’s nice that you want to reduce fossil fuel use, but you shouldn’t be fooled by PGE’s propaganda.
Actually, you are. Electric cars are so much more efficient than gas powered ones that even when 100% of your electricity comes from coal, they are a win. And, of course, as the grid gets greener, so does your car.
And with regenerative braking, your also reducing wear on brakes, even if your vehicle is heavier. (Tires, on the other hand…)
You just manifested an argument for burning fracked gas for transportation. Good job, Fred.
I think BP just got trolled….
The 2 car Tesla car free family…
“there’s plenty of lithium to go around and that will never change.”
I’m assuming that you are not joking when you say this but this is absolutely not true as all natural resources are finite and I would strongly urge you to read about how toxic mining for nickel and lithium are in places like Indonesia and Bolivia.
Elon Musk is expecting to rely on exploitation (of everyone tbh but also in mining) for his Tesla production (he himself “joked” about staging a coup in Bolivia due to their lithium mines).
This attitude is exactly why I am so weary of folks who think electric cars will save us. Tires and brakes are still bad for the environment even if you use batteries instead of gas to power your car. Listen, props to you for figuring out a low-car (you have multiple cars?) + ebike lifestyle. That is truly commendable. But don’t kid yourself that lithium mining and Teslas are an eco-friendly solution. And also maybe tell your husband for his own safety not to rely on the auto-drive features.
I’m confused or is this just good sarcasm…
You are car free but you also own a couple of Teslas?
It must be nice to be so environmental friendly to own $150,000 worth of vehicles…
Teslas run on fossil fuel, BTW,
You just don’t pump it in.
I feel like an idiot.
Great post, Jayne, pretty funny!
I’m with you Dwk, great deadpan.
Great article- I see too many parents who turn into a glorified chauffeur, stuck in the family mini van. This has so many consequences- picking up fast food routinely cones to mind. Over scheduling kids is also not healthy, they need play time, creativity time & down time.
Stay local, save stress, save money, have fun (the local soccer meet up is a great example)
Thanks for this story. I struggle with sorting these questions out as well. We bike to as many activities as we can, but i have two kids who are really enjoying an extracurricular activity that is jussst out of reasonable bike range, especially since they need to be somewhat physically fresh when they get there. Thankfully, the facility is moving this spring to somewhere that we should be able to bike to. That said, thanks for sticking your neck out there and writing about this tricky subject.
Thanks for this piece and your conscientiousness! As a dad of a young child in a car-free household, my view is that while the sacrifices can be hard (having been acculturated to an unsustainable level of mobility), the payoff is remarkably worthwhile. From a parenting perspective–especially given the world our kids are going to have to live in–there is no extracurricular activity that is more important than the skills, sensibilities, values, emotional growth, exercise, learning about the world, integrity-building, critical thinking, and self-esteem that kids can get by living a principled transit life. The journey is the destination. And especially in a place like Portland, to whatever degree one can be car-free, there is almost no end of richness within stiking distance by bike+bus+train. And beyond. Last summer, my then 6 year old and I did a music festival near Veneta, a weekend at Oxbow, Northeast String Summit near North Plains, an Oregon coast adventure, and a week and a half in Vancouver, Canada without a car. Of course not everyone can do that, but a lifestyle of “right transit” is child development gold.
This is such a great post. My kids are 2 and 4, and I’m at the very early days of feeling this struggle. I really appreciate the nudge to be intentional about it.