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‘Performance’ rap music video pokes fun at roadies, fixed gear riders

Posted by on August 11th, 2009 at 3:24 pm

Still from Performance.
(Watch it below)

Local road racers Robin Moore and Jake Salcone have put together a hilarious music video called Performance that skewers the fashion and behavior of roadies and fixed gear riders.

The video is set in Portland and the song contains some stinging lines about fashion-conscious fixed gear riders by a roadie rapper named MC SpandX.

“An anodized chain, cards in your spokes… how can you ride, your pants are a joke?” goes one of the lines.

This is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time. While it’s harsh on fixed gear riders, the MC SpandX is so over the top about himself he actually ends up making just as much fun of himself.

Watch MC SpandX lay it down rap-style against the fixie set…

I know what I’ll be singing on the way home today… that’s right, “Performance, that’s the name of the game. I pump up my tires and I oil my change… And I always ride through the pain.”

YouTube link here

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  • toddistic August 11, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    Road bikes are the new fixed gear!

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  • carlos August 11, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    roadies make a rap dis song about fixies, now that’s irony.

    kettle calling the pot black?

    can’t wait for the fixie response song.

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  • Filmed by Bike Crew August 11, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    The challenge is on! Hope to see more of this fun (albeit meta) stuff at the 2010 festival!

    Ayleen + crew

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  • brewcaster August 11, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    While I find both camps equally annoying, I do support rap beefs/battles. The fixie crew better respond. I have a camera and can edit, someone contact me, this could be fun.

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  • Anonymous August 11, 2009 at 4:05 pm


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  • Paul S August 11, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    I’m not sure roadies get off so easy in this video.

    Anyway, whatever, if fixies are a fashion statement, it’s more innocuous than mink stoles or glass pack mufflers.

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  • Mike August 11, 2009 at 4:08 pm


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  • michael downes August 11, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    I laughed out loud and sent the link to all my buddies! Brilliant!

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  • fixielover August 11, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    Awesome! I still love my fixie!

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  • Jeff TB August 11, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    Great. Now I have to get a road bike to be cool. What’s next? Mountain Bikes?

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  • Disastronaut August 11, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    I think the roadie was making more fun of himself than the fixed-gear hipster.

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  • TTse
    TTse August 11, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    What’s next?

    It’s all SoftRides now.

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  • April August 11, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    that was awesome.

    dunno how much of my enjoyment was from thinking OH HEY he’s on Hawthorne/Mt. Tabor…

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  • Bill August 11, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Did roadies just jump the shark? Time for TT bikes…


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  • noahjack August 11, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    Wow if that guy spent that kind of energy against car culture.

    I guess it is funny?

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  • N.I.K. August 11, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    Well of *course* Roadie Van Dorkus can skewer Fixie McHipsterson. What’s the latter going to do to the former – axle him upside the head?

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  • Evan August 11, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    Who is gonna skewer the Zoobombers?

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  • the future August 11, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    ‘its all about commutin….got elastic on my leg and an ipod in my ear.’

    ‘yeah all about commutin….rock my blinky lights and my bright yellow pannier.’

    man you can hate on all kinds of bikey types this way!

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  • justin August 11, 2009 at 5:36 pm


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  • naomi August 11, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    Good concept but man that guy has no flow whatsoever. I think the fixie community could absolutely SCORCH this guy senseless if they found someone who could rhyme with some conviction.

    But otherwise, I did laugh a bit at this video. I’m neither a “performance” rider nor a fixie rider, but I love the battling inner factions in the cycling community. Long live bikesnob!

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  • lacorota August 11, 2009 at 5:41 pm

    I spoke with a hipster chick two days ago and she wants me to find her a fixie bike to walk alongside as a fashion accessory. Too, I hear a company in Taiwan is marketing some lycra but with retro-type prints that mimic the local cult. Even Giro is responding with an official “hip” bowling ball style helmet. Lycra hipster gear, yea baby!

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  • Brian August 11, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    That was hilarious!

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  • ScottG August 11, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    I’m sure we’ll be reading commentary from BikeSnobNYC tomorrow about this vid. 🙂

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  • Lazy Spinner August 11, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    This is like a BikeSnob NYC column set to music and exactly what our community needs and is sorely lacking: a self-deprecating sense of humor.

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  • Ashley August 11, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    best thing i’ve seen all day! Thanks for sharing this Jonathan! And thank you to Robin and Jake! Hilarious.

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  • old&slow August 11, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    Jonathan, do you get satire? I am a roadie and this was much more about making fun of roadies? Well done, do you think Colbert is a conservative?

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  • Jonathan Maus (Editor) August 11, 2009 at 7:27 pm

    old&slow, i definitely get satire… i’ve had a busy day and turned this story around in about 10 minutes.. didn’t have much time to think about it really.. now I’ve edited the story a bit.

    thanks for the feedback.

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  • Dan August 11, 2009 at 7:39 pm

    Anyone who can’t admit that both roadies and fixie riders offer a lot to laugh about needs to chill out.

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  • Jeff Werner August 11, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    Anyone know what category Robin Moore races? He references Cat 1 in the video.

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  • Roma August 11, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    I know what I’ll be singing on the way home today… that’s right, “Performance, that’s the name of the game. I pump up my tires and I oil my change… And I always ride through the pain.”

    Should be “oil my chain”. 🙂

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  • a.O August 11, 2009 at 10:01 pm

    Fantastic. And another fantastic opportunity for my:

    Ode to the Derailleur

    [Say it with me, like the French: de – rail – yeur. Not de-railer.]

    Oh, how I love my derailleur
    as I fly past the hipsters without failure
    You are an object of human ingenuity
    like the works of Norman Mailer

    I can ride faster because my gears are not fixed
    I can shift you between and betwixt
    quicker on the climb, and on the descent
    I adjust my power to one hundred percent

    Oh, derailleur, how could anyone forsake you?
    you are an engineering marvel, and functional too
    I suspect it’s more about fashion than simplicity
    Oh, derailleur, why can’t they see –
    You are the ultimate in bike utility!

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  • SkidMark August 11, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    That was very funny.

    Zoobomb skewers itself, I guess you didn’t see the play/musical “Nerds on Bikes”.

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  • Rob Word August 11, 2009 at 11:58 pm

    Weird Al would approve. 🙂

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  • […] link: BikePortland.org » Blog Archive » ‘Performance’ rap music video pokes fun at fixed gear riders Share and […]

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  • KWW August 12, 2009 at 3:44 am

    I didn’t expect it to be that good!

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  • ME 2 August 12, 2009 at 8:53 am

    I thought it was hilarious, but I’m neither a fixie or road rider. I’m hoping the recumbent crew jumps in on this battle. Those dudes have some serious flow.

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  • Russell August 12, 2009 at 9:22 am

    Hmm, who to hate more, the guy who shoulder brushes me unannounced at 24 mph or the guy who hops in front of me by blowing every light/stop sign just to slow me up midway through the block going 12 mph? So hard to decide.

    I guess standard-issue commuters need a response video more than fixie hipsters.

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  • Jeff Werner August 12, 2009 at 9:24 am


    Here here.

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  • Anonymous August 12, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Maybe the free-ride types should get into the action. What could be funnier (or not) than a roadie on 1-inch tires taking a 40-foot drop.

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  • CBC August 12, 2009 at 10:44 am

    someone please make a video of the commuter set

    “…got my gortex rain coat, rain gloves, and my rain hat …you cant understand- $500 for my rain pants…”

    “…its all about performance, can’t feel the rain…”

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  • SkidMark August 12, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    Because commuters are so without sin. We can start with the self-righteous attitude, the ability to look down at others, even if they are on a tallbike. It’s funny when I ride a freakbike I hardly ever get an “on your left” out of a commuter, they are usually too busy giving me the stinkeye.

    My favorite is when I’m on my track bike and I can hear you upshifting behind me so you can blow past me down a hill where my low gearing limits my top speed. Then you downshift thru about 4 gears, not one a t time, you just dump it down 4 and your poor bike is going “clunk, clunk, clunk!” and then you start spinning up the hill at a walking pace as blow past you climbing, standing up.

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  • tj August 12, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    i prefer fords over chevy.

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  • Southern 'Cross August 12, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    As a fair dinkum passport carrying Australian I feel fully qualified to ask – WHATS WITH THE JERSEY ??????

    Yeah – go on – you know you want to watch it again ……… !

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  • texas August 12, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    what’s even funnier are the people who take the dissing seriously!

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  • edwin August 12, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    Wow! This is gettin’ blown up! In a good way if you count you tube views. Not in a good way if you think this was actually to dis any group of riders.
    I’ve watched it ten times my self, mostly with friends that I thought’d get a chuckle. Its been fBooked to me a few times and I’ve gotten emails from good friends plugg’n it. It got big fast — I think uploaded monday night… over 23,000 hits already, in two days!
    I do believe ‘Performance’ is an inside-the-scene critique of exactly the lines — that some people’s responses seem to want to defend — that some have been created (or found) within our subculture. There is no doubt in my mind that both the fixie kids and those with the money (or dedication) to throw down on 10spd engage in their love of cycling in equal magnitudes.
    I don’t know what I’d do without my (fixed) commuter or my (10spd) road bike… with a carbon frame.
    Lets laugh at ourselves with a big smile and keep ridin’ to get ourselves happy and ‘there’ on time. It is/shouldbe after all one big family.
    Thank you Robin and Jake. Priceless!

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  • Russell August 12, 2009 at 7:27 pm

    I doubt any of these comments are made without at a bit of intended jest – same as the vid.

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  • Grandma August 12, 2009 at 7:29 pm

    That video is hilarious! For both “camps”. I’m 50 years old, and blew past more than one “performance” bike/biker on the hills at the Portland Providence Bride Pedal this past weekend…on my 16lb carbon fork, Gates carbon belt drive “fixie”….yee haw! signed, Grandma on a bike.

    ps…I like the performance bikes too (except that spandex crap)…can’t you kids all get along?

    Grandma, over and out!

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  • carless in pdx August 12, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    can’t wait for the fixie response song.

    I think hipsters are too busy working on their alcoholism to really get on that.

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  • Patrick McMahon August 13, 2009 at 7:41 am

    Gotta say, I agree with BSNYC that while I found it amusing, I kept assuming that it was an ad (overt or subliminal) for Performance Bikes.

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  • ac August 13, 2009 at 2:09 pm


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  • Karen August 13, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Am I missing something? I didn’t really think it was all that clever or funny. (but I understand how hardcore cyclists might latch onto it). The spoof/white-rap video thing is tired and worn out.

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  • PJ August 14, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    As a zoobomber I fully support a rap battle involving us.

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  • Tom September 4, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    Jonathan, thanks for posting the vid here. I saw it first via email and thought it was the bomb. Don’t know why, maybe just cause I love biking so much, maybe being PDX. I love to laugh at my own snobbery. But seriously, I get a thrill out of every kind of biker, that I pass~

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