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In case you missed Bike Snob’s latest paean to Portland

Posted by on March 28th, 2011 at 10:45 pm

“Obviously the most coveted employer in Portland is Chris King Precision Components, which is why they’re widely referred to as the “G*ogle of the Willamette.”
— Bikesnobnyc

I don’t usually put something on the Front Page that I’ve already shared via Twitter and that I know many of you have likely already read yourselves; but Bike Snob’s latest post is something no one should miss. Bike Snob is no stranger to Portland, but this time he’s taken it to a new level. He’s moved here, albeit only “virtually”…

I’ve transported my consciousness to the soggy utopia that is Portland. I’ve done this by transcending the material plane and by realizing that physical existence is merely a state of mind–or by completely deluding myself, depending on how you look at it. It was surprisingly easy, too. First, I created an artificial Portland habitat in my home by purchasing a humidifier which I fill with Stumptown coffee instead of water. Then, I set all my clocks back by three and a half hours. (Portland is an additional half hour behind the rest of the western United States.) Finally, I completed my microenvironment by making Bikeportland my homepage and pretending it was the local news.

When Mr. Snob (Eben Weiss is his real name) goes out to find a job, he pokes some fun at local bike companies:

“Obviously the most coveted employer in Portland is Chris King Precision Components, which is why they’re widely referred to as the “G*ogle of the Willamette.” However, when I told the Animatronic Chris Kingbot 9000 who conducts their interviews that I wanted to work on the “espresso tampon” line he showed me the door. (It was anodized pink, said “King” all over it, and had a 10-year warranty.) So I picked myself up off the floor, brushed the metal shavings off my Cane Creek t-shirt (which has a 110 year warranty), and resolved to press on.

Next, I went to Rapha, which is an even better place to work than Chris King since you don’t have to operate any machinery–unless you consider riding a bicycle and being photographed in black and white to be “operating a machine.” I was certain I’d nail this interview, and I even went so far as to don my bespoke cycling suit…”

Love it. Read the whole post here.

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Comments
  • Al from PA March 29, 2011 at 5:55 am

    In NYC they’re smug enough to lampoon Portland smugness. Here in PA we’re more straightforward–we just wish we lived there (really, not virtually). Some day…

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  • Mike March 29, 2011 at 6:21 am

    I use to pay attention to this guy’s blog….not anymore. Seems to me he is more negative than anything, for Christ sake it’s just an F’ing bike lighten up. Myself, I don’t care what kind of bike it is, how lame-o it is if it’s being rode then I’m happy.

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    • A.K. March 29, 2011 at 8:54 am

      I don’t think you’re “getting” the blog…

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  • Schrauf March 29, 2011 at 6:28 am

    Good read.

    Umm – but it’s espresso tamper, not espresso tampon. I can think of several good jokes here, but I will look like a jerk once the story is edited. I probably already look like a jerk…

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    • KJ March 29, 2011 at 10:19 am

      I thought is was a joke. I could be wrong but I think he called it a tampon on purpose.

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      • A.K. March 29, 2011 at 10:49 am

        Yes, it’s a joke and was called that on purpose.

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        • Schrauf March 29, 2011 at 11:42 am

          Oh, I get it. I guess it was not funny enough for me to realize it was a joke. Plus it was early…

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  • Ely March 29, 2011 at 7:49 am

    I love the Bike Snob. He dings Portland, lovingly, in almost every post. He has been somewhat negative lately due to the ugly anti-bike backlash taking place in the big apple. I hope they get that all worked out.

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  • Bob_M March 29, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Slow news day in NY?

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    • was carless April 4, 2011 at 11:47 pm

      More like only negative-NYC news. He’s looking for something positive… and we’re the bike-world cheerleaders of the USA.

      For better or worse, that appears to be our fate. :P

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  • spare_wheel March 29, 2011 at 7:57 am

    “Seems to me he is more negative than anything.”

    Yeah dude, negativity is ” F’ing” “lame-o”.

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  • CMark March 29, 2011 at 8:03 am

    1 hu·mor noun \ˈhyü-mər, ˈyü-\ “…something that is or is designed to be comical or amusing.”

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  • Harth March 29, 2011 at 8:12 am

    Great stuff. Struggled to keep my coffee (Cellar Door, not Stumptown) from coming out of my nose!

    It’s like Portlandia but more. (or so I imagine – I haven’t seen an entire Portlandia episode.)

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  • deborah March 29, 2011 at 9:04 am

    ‘This is Portland’s equivalent of a “Midnight Cowboy” scenario, as bicycle food vending is the male prostitution of the Pacific Northwest’

    Smug it up Portland! :)

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  • Editz March 29, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Oh, just tell him to go put a bird on it.

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  • jocko March 29, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Editz. i think you have just coined a new use for “put a bird on it”. Someone cuts you off in traffic just say “hey buddy, put a bird on it”!

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  • Zaphod March 29, 2011 at 10:35 am

    BikeSnob = comic genius
    And here’s to drinking Cellar Door Coffee over that larger pdx roaster.

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    • Harth March 29, 2011 at 7:20 pm

      Nice. But when in Oakridge, I drink and eat at Trailhead – great place!

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  • BikeChick March 29, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Freaking LOVE BikeSnobNYC. Some of the best humor I’ve ever read. He’s dry, sarcastic, witty…a bit of a crush actually.

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  • skyc March 29, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    I laughed so hard. You can tell when he’s mocking out of disdain and when he’s mocking out of love, and he was definitely doing the latter. Grade A.

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  • Lynne March 29, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    almost choked on my sandwich upon encountering “ethnic cleanser”…

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  • kww March 29, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    ‘snob is blocked at work, lol – will have to wait….

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    • was carless April 4, 2011 at 11:48 pm

      Time to change coffee shops!

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  • roguewrench March 30, 2011 at 10:54 am

    It’s nice to know that after leaving NYC in the late ’80-early ’90′s that white trash is still humming along. I believe that living in Brooklyn (home of the HA’s) has a shrinking effect on ones brain.
    Although I chose the other side of the river I am proud to live in an area that has a proud and positive bike culture. Not many place are that way NYC being one of them.

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  • Toby March 30, 2011 at 11:56 am

    I have to admit, I was bored with this post and didn’t see what was funny about it. Not in an offended and “smug” way, (and yes I got it) it was just lame and not funny. But then I checked out the full post that was linked and loved it! I had no trouble holding in or keeping down the food and drink I wasn’t eating and drinking, but was definitely chuckle worthy, although still shy of an actual LOL.

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  • adamdoug2011 March 31, 2011 at 8:32 am

    I love the bikesnob – he is funny.

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  • Bob April 5, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    “Aspiring to collect rainwater.” That kind of ambition is what makes Portland what it is!

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